TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of location. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, positive, let us have A different spot the place American men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide everyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he must halt applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You recognize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a attribute becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not just unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. Trump Tower Damascus A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting attention from international investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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